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Monday, June 13, 2011

"A peace that surpasses all understanding..."

As promised, here is the recap from this weekend's festivities. I first have to give major shout outs to my support team for the weekend (and for life). If you don't have any girl friends who are on your team, then you are truly missing out! I was having two of the worst anxiety attacks ever over seeing Mr. BIS-D this weekend and my support team was there and had my back. So, I have to call them out by name: Ashlee, Jontae, Angela, Cicely, Tiffany (she's my beauty SME), and my fav blogger, OneChele (she helped calm my nerves via Twitter DM). I think I would have been a basket case if it they weren't in my corner. It's so funny because I had myself all worked up and for nothing. It was so bad that it put me into a 6 am yoga class this morning (FYI...6 am yoga is not my friend!), but I do feel more centered and relaxed. I do have an update to the BIS-D post and I know a few people who are going to be upset. Not upset that I have an update but upset that I didn't fill them in when it happened...but I'll take that risk because I wanted to share it with everyone at the same time.
After these few days stressing myself out unnecessarily, I decided that I needed to take control of myself (and my situation) before I drove myself crazy. I figured that if the outcome of what happened with BIS-D bothered me so much, then (if I felt that I was strong enough) I would say something...and I did. I sent him a text and we had a very productive conversation. (Note: I've been scolded a time or two about having major conversations via text but I express myself better through writing than I ever could in person. It's the most effective way for me to say everything I want to say in the way that I want to say it. I have to use what works for me) I sent him a message expressing how I was a tad bit relieved that we didn't see each other and he responded that he was sorry to hear that, it would've been nice to see me, and that he'll respect my space and if we do ever find our self around each other. Now although that's pretty much what I said, I didn't really mean it like that (so much for my writing being more effective approach lol). So I decided to go a little deeper. I explained that I'm a lot better now than I was then and that I understand that I put myself into an unhealthy situation and that the best way that I could get out and stay out was by cutting all contact. It was a hard decision, but it was one that I had to make for myself. It wasn't like I didn't want to see him, it just would've been awkward since we hadn't communicated in such a long time. He reminded me that the lack of communication came from my side and that he could take a hint (see...I told ya he's the type of person to not press the issue...which is how I needed it to be). He then said something that I think that I really needed to hear...even if it's over a year later. He said that he had his part in it and he contributed to the situation. He took responsibility and that he's glad that I'm in a better place. Can we all say sigh of relief/woo-sah? It felt like a huge bolder had been lifter off my shoulders. I don't know exactly what it is or was, but I felt at peace. Anyway, we chit-chatted about catching up with things that's happened over the past year, but I did let him know that this won't be the last time that we communicate because I do miss our friendship. He said that he never had a problem with it (I don't know he meant the friendship or the communication) but that he guess that he was the problem (BINGO buddy!). Then I got to say what I really needed to say: that I questioned his friendship because the extra and his inability to step in as my friend to end things when he saw it wasn't a healthy situation...that was the root of the issue. I felt like the friendship was a sham. Although I did express the things that I felt that he did, it was important (for me) that he knew that I took responsibility for being grown and not following my intuition. With that, we agreed that hindsight is 20/20 and ended on a positive note.

Bright Side: I feel a lot better. We didn't discuss where our friendship is headed...we didn't need to. I'm just taking it one day at a time and not a pace faster. I feel that whatever is set for the fate of our friendship is set and I would rather the chips fall as they may.

Friday, June 10, 2011

So Anxious...

This weekend will be a very busy one for me.  I have 10 year high school reunion activities, 2 birthday parties, an art exhibit, a movie night at the park, and a baby shower to attend.  This wouldn't be so bad (since my weekends are usually jam packed like this), but this weekend in particular I know that I will be in the same space as the guy from Before I Self-Destruct.... If you don't remember him or again if you're new to The Bright Side... feel free to catch up by clicking on the link. 

I haven't seen him in over a year and we haven't really had any real communication since the last time we saw each other and I made the decision to end our (pseudo) friendship.  So why am I so nervous? I don't know.  My friends don't seem to really understand, shoot I don't even really understand why I'm so nervous.  It's really like a nervous-excited-unsure energy and I really wish it would go away.  I'm sure that I'm putting more on this inevitable meeting than it deserves, but I can't seem to knock it.  I think the underlying issue is that I feel like even after a year of minimal contact (1-2 emails/a birthday one-liner), I have a fear that my feelings have not gone anywhere.  I try to remind myself of the reasons why I ended our friendship, but they don't stick.  I know that I'm stronger than this situation, but my greatest fear is that I will end up right back in the same dangerous cycle that I know will probably put me in a much worse headspace than I was in last year.  Ahhh...I don't know!  I really hope that I've gained the strength that I need over the past year to do what I need to do and handle the situation accordingly. 

I'll keep you updated via Twitter (@Vonne716) or on the blog on Monday.  I promise, I'll let you all know what happens!

Have a happy & safe weekend!

Bright Side:  I have my squad of people that I can call to keep me straight...let's just hope that they answer the phone! Lol

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


If you don't know me, one important thing that you should know is that I love music.  I can find a song that will describe what ever situation that I'm going through perfectly.  Sometimes I'll have my iPod in my back pocket and I'll do something that will turn it on and it'll start to play a song while I carry on with my life.  Lol  I shared that bit of information because it's happened again!  I heard a song that describes a lot of the posts that I've written and the post that I'm going to share today.  I was browsing my Twitter timeline when I learned that Beyonce has a new song out.  Now, I'm not really a Beyonce fan but I do like (and can relate) to some of her music (more of the "Me, Myself, and I", "Scared of Lonely", "Daddy" type and less of the "Video Phone", "Kitty Kat" type lol) Here's the song...

When I heard it, I could think of about 3 or 4 guys that this related to.  One of which decided to contact me yesterday...out of the blue!  If you've been reading for a while then you will know him as "The Bull", if you're new to my random ramblings then catch up by reading The More Things Change.  He ended up being "The Best Thing I Never Had." 

This is what happened: I was leaving the office to go teach myself how to put together a watering system install a watering system at one of our projects when I saw that I have a Gmail message with the subject "Hey....." and The Bull's name as the sender.  I open the email and had to bust out laughing.  The relationship (and I use the term relationship VERY was more like an interaction) between Bull & I did not end on a positive note.  In fact, I believe it ended with him telling me that he sees why black men turn to white women and me telling him not to contact me until he found his God-given sense.  Well...I guess he found it because he sure did contact me.  The communication was pretty basic.  He started off sending an email (I'm guessing to test the waters) with the ususal "What's going on?" and I just answered as truthfully as possible.  That I've been great...I went to Brazil for 2 weeks, and my I haven't skipped a beat on enjoying life.  Then he got a little comfortable moved to texting and apologized for the things that he said in the past and asked if we could meet up.  I accepted his apology and asked why he contacted me (like I didn't already know) and he said he thought of me out of the blue (womp, womp, womp...I think that he knew that he acted a donkey when he did it and is now trying for a comeback...story of my life).  Anyway, he again asked me if I was interested in hanging out with him again and I just answered that we could be cool.  From there he said (in his exact words) "Your tough" PAUSE uhh...what exactly did he expect?  For me to say oh I know that you acted a dang fool on the phone, you disappeared for weeks at a time, you were pretty much a donkey, but that's ok because you've apologized and you're ready to move forward?  Although I can (and have) forgiven him of what happened 5 months ago, I'm not Boo-Boo-the-Fool.  I told him exactly what I'm available to offer...coolness.  It's not a friendship, it's not "talking", it's not a's just communicating whenever time permits and an occassional outing.  Right now...I can't do any more for him.  Anyway, I just responded that I was just being me and he took that as an opening to call me.  The phone conversation was going to interupt my study session so I decided not to answer and I returned his call on my way home from VBS.  He didn't answer and I didn't care. Lol

Bright Side:  If last year's me was looking at the right now me she wouldn't recognize RR.  I am becoming a woman of my word (in dealing with the opposite sex) and it feels really good. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Faking the funk...

So I'm sitting here on my couch watching mindless tv (something that I don't get to do very often) when I get a random text asking what I'm doing. This text isn't from some current romantic interest, but from a guy that I liked before but he could never keep my interest. Now...before you start the "ahh ha! That's why you're still single" it's not like that...really! I think that I've blogged about him before (I'm writing this post from my phone and I'm too lazy to get up and research), so I'll just give a brief rundown.

This guy, Corey, is tall, handsome, educated, etc. I've known him for a long time and when hang out, it's cool. The issue is that Corey liked to come to my place to sleep (yes just hanky-panky) and he never wanted to go anywhere. I would literally have to invite myself somewhere and he was fine with that...I wasn't.   How can you date someone sans the date? I tried talking to Corey about it but no all. He would just counter with some lame excuse so I just let it go. He'll pop up every now and again, but nothing consistent. We've talked about the problem but that horse is dead and is starting the decomposition process.

Fast forward to 10 minutes ago. Corey sends me a text asking me what I'm doing and we go back and forth with the regular spill. You are you? How was your weekend? Blah, blah, blah Well then the convo goes like this...

Corey: I should have invited you out of town with me this weekend.
Me: I'm not sure that I would've accepted the invitation
C: (completely missing point) I'm sure you were probably busy
M: No, we just don't communicate consistently enough
C: That's fine
M: So who's winning the game?

Was I wrong? I just don't have it in me to pretend like I won the lottery because of an afterthought by someone who I talk to maybe once every 2-3 months. I know that he isn't capable of fulfilling my (very) basic needs of communication and companionship, so why fake the funk?

What do you think?

Bright Side: I glad that I'm not entertaining nonsense just for the sake of it...I can see that the road is a dead end so I'm making a U-turn before I get to a point where its harder to turn.