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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'll Save My Breath...

First off, I have to say thanks for the shout out to OneChele of Black 'N Bougie.  I love her blog & her book, Heard It All Before!!!

Secondly, I had this whole blog idea in my head.  I was going to write about how once I let go of a certain person, I've been meeting, going out with, and REALLY enjoying myself with other men (I met a new guy, went out with 2 different newbies and an old one this weekend), buuut there's something else that is weighing a little heavy on my heart.

You see, my family & my friends are the most important things to me (after my relationship with God).  My [true] friends are just like family (imaginary blood and all!) so when someone messes with them, I always find myself putting on my Superwoman costume and wanting to run to the rescue.  That's the case with one friend of mine.  She's been through more than one woman should go through and it seems like she still keeps getting it.  But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that some of the things could be avoided.  For instance, she's been in this relationship with a guy (I will NOT call him a man) who (in my heart) I feel like he's been messing around on her for a long, long time.  But you know what every grandmother says, "What goes on in the dark will eventually come to light."  He was able to get away with it until he slipped up.  Me, I was furious and I told her about it.  We've had numerous arguments about him and his lack of respect for her, but she continues to stay with him. We have gone without speaking for months at a time.  I know people are like if that's your friend then you need to respect her decisions.  But am I really being a good friend by sitting and watching her go through this without trying to talk some sense in her?  If you saw your friend standing in the middle of a busy street, wouldn't you yell for them to move out of the way?  I.JUST.DONT.GET.IT!!! Why would someone stay with someone who openly disrespects you?  And if that isn't bad enough, he disrespected her again.  This time she didn't tell me but I was using my super investigative skills to look at something else when this just popped up at me (don't go looking for something because you never know what you'll find). 

I was beyond pissed! Not only because it happened but because she didn't tell me.  I had to sit back and think about it.  She probably didn't tell me because she knew how I would respond and she probably didn't want to hear my mouth.  But right now, I'm not even upset.  I'm at the point where I'm just sad for her.  I see so many things that she could/can become, soooo many men who would love to be with her, and a better life for her and others.  She has her own connections to him, but [in my mind] no penis is better than sharing penis.  There are soo many things out there that could jeopardize her health and what about the example that she's setting for others?  I also worry about her because she internalizes a lot of things.  She doesn't really express her feelings to anyone about anything (past, present, or future) and I'm scared that she might end up on Snapped.  But like I said in my last post, you can't "will" someone to do something that they don't want to do.  I really just hope that she comes to her senses (like I had to do) and realize that she's worth soooo much more.  But until then, I'll save my breath to cool my soup!

So...I've been looking for a bright side to no avail...I want to be there for my friend but I can't keep sitting and watching her get deeper and deeper into this hole.  What do I do?  How does someone who's not in a relationship tell someone else who is how to handle their relationship?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Before I Self-Destruct...

So I have a confession to make.  After some careful self evaluation, I have discovered that the real reason that I am still single is ALL.MY.FAULT.  As much as I tried to convice my friends, and myself, that I was really ready for a successful relationship, my actions proved otherwise.  At one point in time, I was meeting tons of new people, dating regularly, and just having a good ol' time...but it never lasted longer than a week or so.  You see, although I was technically single, my heart, mind, and everything else were attached to someone else, so really & truly any possible relationship with someone else was headed for sabotage and destruction.  It didn't start out that way, but after a few years, for me, it grew into something that I now see was very toxic.  I won't go into the whole entire story but I'll give you a brief (really brief, not my usual brief) synopsis. 

There was a guy that I knew for a long time; I never saw him as anything more than just a friend.  Well some kind of way we started communicating.  Communications went from every so often to every day.  He went from someone that I knew back in the day, to someone that was my friend, to someone that I considered to be a best friend.  Well then the advances started coming.  I can be a hardapple at times so I just kept it moving until I don't know what happened and I just started taking them seriously.  Then RED FLAG #1 popped up: a mysterious status change on fb and when I asked about it there was a denial, I ignored it and advances started getting stronger and more consistent.  Before all of this happened, I considered him to be a really good friend, I felt like I could trust him enough to express my thoughts and they not be used against me.  RED FLAG #2 came up when we were in the same city at the same time and he was supposed to come somewhere and didn't show up.  Again I ignored my intuition and needless to say I eventually fell for the okey-doak and it left me in a bad headspace (stole that from Sheila in Why Did I Get Married TOO). I've been to where he lives a number of times and it's great while I'm there but when I get back here it's just an empty feeling...everytime.  Same thing for when he comes back home...nothing ever changes.  But anyway, now when I bring up something that was said before he doesn't even remember it, and it makes me feel even worse for believing any of it.  I just can't wrap my head around someone who I thought I developed a strong friendship with would do it makes me think that maybe there wasn't really a friendship (for him) there after all.  I've expressed my thoughts about the situation (to him) on a number of occassions and he will apologize and I think he gets it until later down the line we start talking about something and he'll make a comment about something and it makes me question if the apology was sincere or if it was to just pacify/appease me at that moment. I've tried to move around but something still kept drawing me back to him. (I know what something feelings)

So this brings me to now...any other time I would go through this big we can't be friends ordeal (it's happened about 3 times) but this time, I'm not going that route.  I've decided to accept my responsibility in the matter.  The reason that things keep happening this way is because I let them (doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result).  I sabotaged countless relationships holding on to the thought that maybe he's just saying this because (insert common excuse for someone here), because I had it already in my head that this was the person that I wanted. The killing part is that I just realized that you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with can't will it, you can't make anyone feel anything for you that is not there, and you certainly can't dwell on the things of the past ( I have an elephant's memory so this is a hard one for me).  People can do sooo many things, make sooo many promises, and say soooo many things that give you those "warm & fuzzy" feelings, but if their actions don't back up those words and they aren't consistant then that needs to be your cue to leave it alone.  That's where I am now.  I didn't delete any phonebook entries, facebook, im accounts or anything.  I didn't even give notice that I was ready for an out.  I just stopped responding (and luckily for me, he's the type of person to not push the issue) and it's been 6 weeks.  Eventually I'll get to the point where I'm not counting how long it's been since I've conversed with him, but this was someone who was a very big part of my life for almost 5 years.  We communicated almost every day for 5 years, I loved him as my friend and I can stop denying the fact that I was in love with him, he was the first person I contacted when something happened, (to me) he was one of my best friends...but I wasn't that person to him.  I know now that they things that I [thought] that I loved were all based on a lie, so in reality there was nothing to really might as well have been a figment of my imagination.  I will admit that I do still check fb profiles to make sure that everything is good with him and I even think about the past every now and again but I'm so proud of myself for not sending that text that'll put me back into that mindset that wasn't very healthy for me.  I think that things would have worked out a lot differently if the friendship was reciprocated.

Now I feel that I am truly ready to start seriously dating and ready for the one to find me...the one that I can't live without and, who in return, can't live without me. 

Bright Side: Things are starting to look up for me.  I've prayed for guidance and support and I have awesome friends who have been with me throughout this whole ordeal. They've been a shoulder to cry/lean on and I can say that the hole is starting to close up and the thoughts are slowly but surely starting to lessen as the days go by.  I'm getting back to my "happy place."

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Missing Piece

Last Thursday, I had the pleasure of attending Cupid's Cousin's "The Missing Piece" event.  It was so wonderful and refreshing to be able to go to an event where there weren't a bunch of old men looking for some young, fresh meat.  The crowd was diverse, the dj was nice, and all in all I would say that the night was an all around success.  The event coordinators had the genius idea to have every female wear a small lock around their neck and to have the guys wear a key around their wrist.  The object of the exercise was to go around and have a conversation to find "the missing piece."  Every lock had two keys that matched.  Initially, I was a little reserved.  I mean, what exactly was I supposed to say?  "Hey, does your key fit in my lock?"  Well I decided that the first step was to just say "Hi!" and let the conversation go wherever from there.  To my surprise, it worked!  I met a lot of great people and I was even invited to another party by one of the guys that I met.  Although I saw a lot of college friends there, I also had the opportunity to network with other young professionals around the city.  I really appreciate the time and effort that the ladies of Cupid's Cousin put into this event and I can't wait for the next one. 

Unfortunately, the guy who held the key to my lock left just before I did so I didn't have the chance to meet him.  But maybe our paths will cross again and he'll be at the next event. 

I strongly suggest that you visit if you are interested in attending any events or if you want more information about the agency.