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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Before I Self-Destruct...

So I have a confession to make.  After some careful self evaluation, I have discovered that the real reason that I am still single is ALL.MY.FAULT.  As much as I tried to convice my friends, and myself, that I was really ready for a successful relationship, my actions proved otherwise.  At one point in time, I was meeting tons of new people, dating regularly, and just having a good ol' time...but it never lasted longer than a week or so.  You see, although I was technically single, my heart, mind, and everything else were attached to someone else, so really & truly any possible relationship with someone else was headed for sabotage and destruction.  It didn't start out that way, but after a few years, for me, it grew into something that I now see was very toxic.  I won't go into the whole entire story but I'll give you a brief (really brief, not my usual brief) synopsis. 

There was a guy that I knew for a long time; I never saw him as anything more than just a friend.  Well some kind of way we started communicating.  Communications went from every so often to every day.  He went from someone that I knew back in the day, to someone that was my friend, to someone that I considered to be a best friend.  Well then the advances started coming.  I can be a hardapple at times so I just kept it moving until I don't know what happened and I just started taking them seriously.  Then RED FLAG #1 popped up: a mysterious status change on fb and when I asked about it there was a denial, I ignored it and advances started getting stronger and more consistent.  Before all of this happened, I considered him to be a really good friend, I felt like I could trust him enough to express my thoughts and they not be used against me.  RED FLAG #2 came up when we were in the same city at the same time and he was supposed to come somewhere and didn't show up.  Again I ignored my intuition and needless to say I eventually fell for the okey-doak and it left me in a bad headspace (stole that from Sheila in Why Did I Get Married TOO). I've been to where he lives a number of times and it's great while I'm there but when I get back here it's just an empty feeling...everytime.  Same thing for when he comes back home...nothing ever changes.  But anyway, now when I bring up something that was said before he doesn't even remember it, and it makes me feel even worse for believing any of it.  I just can't wrap my head around someone who I thought I developed a strong friendship with would do it makes me think that maybe there wasn't really a friendship (for him) there after all.  I've expressed my thoughts about the situation (to him) on a number of occassions and he will apologize and I think he gets it until later down the line we start talking about something and he'll make a comment about something and it makes me question if the apology was sincere or if it was to just pacify/appease me at that moment. I've tried to move around but something still kept drawing me back to him. (I know what something feelings)

So this brings me to now...any other time I would go through this big we can't be friends ordeal (it's happened about 3 times) but this time, I'm not going that route.  I've decided to accept my responsibility in the matter.  The reason that things keep happening this way is because I let them (doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result).  I sabotaged countless relationships holding on to the thought that maybe he's just saying this because (insert common excuse for someone here), because I had it already in my head that this was the person that I wanted. The killing part is that I just realized that you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with can't will it, you can't make anyone feel anything for you that is not there, and you certainly can't dwell on the things of the past ( I have an elephant's memory so this is a hard one for me).  People can do sooo many things, make sooo many promises, and say soooo many things that give you those "warm & fuzzy" feelings, but if their actions don't back up those words and they aren't consistant then that needs to be your cue to leave it alone.  That's where I am now.  I didn't delete any phonebook entries, facebook, im accounts or anything.  I didn't even give notice that I was ready for an out.  I just stopped responding (and luckily for me, he's the type of person to not push the issue) and it's been 6 weeks.  Eventually I'll get to the point where I'm not counting how long it's been since I've conversed with him, but this was someone who was a very big part of my life for almost 5 years.  We communicated almost every day for 5 years, I loved him as my friend and I can stop denying the fact that I was in love with him, he was the first person I contacted when something happened, (to me) he was one of my best friends...but I wasn't that person to him.  I know now that they things that I [thought] that I loved were all based on a lie, so in reality there was nothing to really might as well have been a figment of my imagination.  I will admit that I do still check fb profiles to make sure that everything is good with him and I even think about the past every now and again but I'm so proud of myself for not sending that text that'll put me back into that mindset that wasn't very healthy for me.  I think that things would have worked out a lot differently if the friendship was reciprocated.

Now I feel that I am truly ready to start seriously dating and ready for the one to find me...the one that I can't live without and, who in return, can't live without me. 

Bright Side: Things are starting to look up for me.  I've prayed for guidance and support and I have awesome friends who have been with me throughout this whole ordeal. They've been a shoulder to cry/lean on and I can say that the hole is starting to close up and the thoughts are slowly but surely starting to lessen as the days go by.  I'm getting back to my "happy place."


  1. First its NOT all your fault!! You fell for someone that you thought fell for you also. You can't take all the blame when he was not being honest with his self or you. You also can't blame yourself for having feelings for someone. When you have a relationship with someone for that long it is hard to not having feelings.
    I think you will truly be ready to move on once you get to the point where you don't have to count anymore. I think you have come a LONG way but there is still progress to be made.

    Behind you 100%
    Miss La

  2. Thanks and I have to admit that it's not all my fault but I should have stopped when my gut told me to a long time ago. I fault him some but I can't blame him for everything...that wouldn't be fair. I am responsible for taking care of myself and someone can only do what you allow them to do to you.

    "Yea I was burned but I call it a lesson learned" (Love that track off Alicia Key's As I Am album)

  3. I've read most of your posts and I love, love, LOVE them...even though this post made me a little sad.
    It made me sad because so many of us have been in this predicament before and it's a hard's hard to know when to listen to your gut and when to listen to your heart.
    I'm glad to read you have such a healthy perspective and outlook!

  4. Well damn.

    First, I came to your blog from OneChele's.

    Secondly, you're speaking to my spirit and if I wasn't in the workplace, I miiiiiiiiight get up and do a quick holy dance.

    Actions speak louder than words everytime and I do NOT understand poeple who think they can say one thing and do something else! I just don't get it...

    Nice post.

  5. Thanks for the love...don't you just love Black 'n Bougie!?!?! If you haven't read her book, you should because it's really good.

    I'm just glad that others can relate and I hope that by hearing my story, someone else might not buy that wolf's ticket, you know?

  6. OMG, I feel like we dated the same person. I am in the midst breaking off contact with a guy who I met online (BPM –girls stay away). We dated for a few weeks and during that time my parent’s separated. I was devastated at nearly 30 years old and didn’t think I was emotionally ready to date. He was disappointed but we remained friends; texted incessantly, spoke on the phone for hours on end, sent emails reviewing different blog topic and engaged in political debates frequently – it was fun. Fast forward six months, our connection started to feel familial, we’d hang out on average 1-2 times a week (dinner, movies, drinks, group events, etc). I considered him my best friend too, 8 months later; we’re having the most amazing, passionate, soul connecting, immersive sex. A week after this great and frequent sex, I get a call from his “girlfriend of a year ” who I end up consoling after she drops that bombshell along with the 2 year old child he abandoned …... I shouldn’t want to talk to him but the heart and mind don’t share the same zip code Smh!!!! In any event, Onechele and the universe conspired to lead me to your blog which has bitch slapped me into deleting all his contact info, removing yahoo messenger from my blackberry, defriending him on facebook, packing his ish in a bag, emailing his mama about this morally bankrupt individual she calls a son, and reminding her that it’s her spiritual and social responsibility to raise a man of good character rather than enable bullish.

    I got at his mama because I met her the week after she met his “girlfriend” and she knows all about his child. So, Thanks

  7. Wowsers. I feel for you, but I'm glad you're starting to take care of yourself and your needs again. Good luck to you

    I, too, surfed in from OneChele's book is really good, I read it in one sitting!

  8. I finally woke up and realized that I'm in control of the situation. If I continue to do the same thing over and over, I'm going to continue to get the same results. I had to really love myself enough to let go. Because what happens when he decides to move on? I'm sure I would feel a lot worse then.

    Glad that you enjoyed the post and I've been reading the book every second that I can steal away!!!

  9. as a fellow female writer, i can tell this post was part of your healing journey. being able to find words for your tears, and share those thoughts that do creep back in are all parts of the healing. i'm proud of you and your courage to release him, because beyond strenght it takes courage. it's like you wrote, he's been a major part of your life for the past 5yrs. so to be able to let go and walk away from the familiar, as unhealthy as it was, to face the unknown it amazing and liberating. you aren't the one to delete contacts from IMs, facebook, etc. but one day you'll realize the residue of him will need to go, and doing it on your own terms is the best feeling of true freedom you'll feel in your heart. i'm proud of you.

  10. You will find what you are looking for my friend. I know you will! Love ya!

  11. Amazing, amazing post. I too am in this unfortunate band of sisters that has had the unlucky problem of falling completely in love with a man that was not in love with them. Mine is not an asshole though, no secrets, no bastardized children, simply not in love with me like I'm in love with him. Which is making it INCREDIBLY hard to get over him because we still speak to each other all day, every day...and honestly I don't want to stop. "And it kills me, how much I really love him"...I know everyone's advice is to cut him off completely but for now, I try to maintain boundaries and pray. For now I can't imagine that he's not in love with me in some way...what man spends this kind of time on a woman that he has no physical relations with? Let me stop spreading my infection...but I appreciated the post. The female solidarity is nice.

  12. @natural nubian - yes, it did make me feel a lot better to share my struggle. It was a way for me to really start my process...

    @starita - I COMPLETELY understand and that's something that you will have to decide for yourself. My friends talked to me till they were blue in the face but I couldn't understand how someone who I talked to everyday didn't share any romantic feelings for me. But in my case, he talked to me like he did and then flipped the script later. And that's what kept me there, the idea that he still harbored those feelings and he didn't want to admit it to me because he lived in a different city or because he was in graduate school or because of this or that. I just kept thinking that he had to like me because if I don't contact him, he'll contact me, or because I always know when he's here in town & he makes time to see me, or because he used to make comments about us being together. I'm just to the point where I don't want to deal with it anymore and I realize that true friends aren't out to hurt or manipulate your feelings, but to uplift you and help you.

  13. Great post. It is freeing when we realize what we've been doing to keep ourselves in a rut or "unhappy place." Good for you!

  14. I've been going through the same thing with a guy named Taj. It's been hard letting go. Once I start to get him out of my system I get an email or text from him. knowing he's just pulling my strings. So many men just like to have one Chick to comeback to when all else fails. I can't be that friend anymore. Thanks Lady for you blog it's great.

  15. Thank you...I'm glad that you are enjoying the blog. Be strong...I had a moment of weakness where I felt like I needed to reach out to him, but I didn't and I feel SOOOO much better about myself for not. I hope that you continue to stay strong and that everything works out for you!