So I have a confession to make. After some careful self evaluation, I have discovered that the real reason that I am still single is ALL.MY.FAULT. As much as I tried to convice my friends, and myself, that I was really ready for a successful relationship, my actions proved otherwise. At one point in time, I was meeting tons of new people, dating regularly, and just having a good ol' time...but it never lasted longer than a week or so. You see, although I was technically single, my heart, mind, and everything else were attached to someone else, so really & truly any possible relationship with someone else was headed for sabotage and destruction. It didn't start out that way, but after a few years, for me, it grew into something that I now see was very toxic. I won't go into the whole entire story but I'll give you a brief (really brief, not my usual brief) synopsis.
There was a guy that I knew for a long time; I never saw him as anything more than just a friend. Well some kind of way we started communicating. Communications went from every so often to every day. He went from someone that I knew back in the day, to someone that was my friend, to someone that I considered to be a best friend. Well then the advances started coming. I can be a hardapple at times so I just kept it moving until I don't know what happened and I just started taking them seriously. Then RED FLAG #1 popped up: a mysterious status change on fb and when I asked about it there was a denial, I ignored it and advances started getting stronger and more consistent. Before all of this happened, I considered him to be a really good friend, I felt like I could trust him enough to express my thoughts and they not be used against me. RED FLAG #2 came up when we were in the same city at the same time and he was supposed to come somewhere and didn't show up. Again I ignored my intuition and needless to say I eventually fell for the okey-doak and it left me in a bad headspace (stole that from Sheila in Why Did I Get Married TOO). I've been to where he lives a number of times and it's great while I'm there but when I get back here it's just an empty feeling...everytime. Same thing for when he comes back home...nothing ever changes. But anyway, now when I bring up something that was said before he doesn't even remember it, and it makes me feel even worse for believing any of it. I just can't wrap my head around someone who I thought I developed a strong friendship with would do this...so it makes me think that maybe there wasn't really a friendship (for him) there after all. I've expressed my thoughts about the situation (to him) on a number of occassions and he will apologize and I think he gets it until later down the line we start talking about something and he'll make a comment about something and it makes me question if the apology was sincere or if it was to just pacify/appease me at that moment. I've tried to move around but something still kept drawing me back to him. (I know what something is...my feelings)
So this brings me to now...any other time I would go through this big we can't be friends ordeal (it's happened about 3 times) but this time, I'm not going that route. I've decided to accept my responsibility in the matter. The reason that things keep happening this way is because I let them (doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result). I sabotaged countless relationships holding on to the thought that maybe he's just saying this because (insert common excuse for someone here), because I had it already in my head that this was the person that I wanted. The killing part is that I just realized that you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you...you can't will it, you can't make anyone feel anything for you that is not there, and you certainly can't dwell on the things of the past ( I have an elephant's memory so this is a hard one for me). People can do sooo many things, make sooo many promises, and say soooo many things that give you those "warm & fuzzy" feelings, but if their actions don't back up those words and they aren't consistant then that needs to be your cue to leave it alone. That's where I am now. I didn't delete any phonebook entries, facebook, im accounts or anything. I didn't even give notice that I was ready for an out. I just stopped responding (and luckily for me, he's the type of person to not push the issue) and it's been 6 weeks. Eventually I'll get to the point where I'm not counting how long it's been since I've conversed with him, but this was someone who was a very big part of my life for almost 5 years. We communicated almost every day for 5 years, I loved him as my friend and I can stop denying the fact that I was in love with him, he was the first person I contacted when something happened, (to me) he was one of my best friends...but I wasn't that person to him. I know now that they things that I [thought] that I loved were all based on a lie, so in reality there was nothing to really love...it might as well have been a figment of my imagination. I will admit that I do still check fb profiles to make sure that everything is good with him and I even think about the past every now and again but I'm so proud of myself for not sending that text that'll put me back into that mindset that wasn't very healthy for me. I think that things would have worked out a lot differently if the friendship was reciprocated.
Now I feel that I am truly ready to start seriously dating and ready for the one to find me...the one that I can't live without and, who in return, can't live without me.
Bright Side: Things are starting to look up for me. I've prayed for guidance and support and I have awesome friends who have been with me throughout this whole ordeal. They've been a shoulder to cry/lean on and I can say that the hole is starting to close up and the thoughts are slowly but surely starting to lessen as the days go by. I'm getting back to my "happy place."