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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

1 Year...and counting!

I'm floating on cloud 9 today! One year ago today, I posted my first disaster date experience. I decided to share my thoughts, emotions, and dating experiences with whomever wanted to read them because I just knew that I wasn't the only one who was experiencing these things. I feel so blessed and honored to have people who visit the site, comment on the posts, and follow the blog. I just want to say thank you for listening (reading) and for posting your encouraging thoughts and words. Whether you post them on the site, give me your feedback when you see me, or text me your thoughts...I appreciate you! Special shout out to my J(A) Squad, my LS's, my family, my friends (and friends of friends), and (I don't think she knows it) but my blogging mentor, OneChele (Black & Bougie)!
I can't wait to see what this next year holds and to share all of it with you. Oh, and don't forget to bring a friend (or two)! :)


Follow me at @Vonne716 for celebration details!

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Ordinary v. The Extraordinary

Good afternoon! I was talking to a couple of good friends of mine about interactions with men and one of the conversations got me to we sometimes accept the ordinary and pass it off as extraordinary?

 Now let me clarify (because I'm sure that you are thinking huh?). I was telling my cousin about a guy that I went out with and how I had the best time. I was just explaining how I just knew that things were going to go well because we hung out and talked for over 3 hours and I wasn't tired of his voice or his presence. Now, I was really excited about this...until I talked to my cousin. After I told her about everything, she was like ok? She explained that this is ordinary. There wasn't anything that he did to show me that he really liked me...he didn't do anything extraordinary. He did exactly what was he was supposed to do…he showed up and you had a conversation. She then when into detail telling me that his personality allows him to talk to anyone about anything. It wasn't like he brought flowers (or a dozen red velvet, vanilla, or lemon cupcakes from Crave, Sprinkles, or Celebrity Cupcakes...Hint, hint to any prospect who might be reading this lol) or did something to set himself apart from the other ordinary guys that I've met. And it got me to thinking...I've never really demanded extraordinary. Not in the way I've chosen the guy that I wanted to share my time and energy with and not during our time together. I've always just gone with the flow and never asked for anything more...and I've never truly been happy in the situation either. I've never had a prospect or a boyfriend send me flowers "just because" or go out of his way to make me feel special. But, I've never given off the vibe that these are the things that you need to do to get me...and to keep me. I went out of my way for them, but accepted way less when it came to me. I guess I thought that if I demanded more, then it would seem like I was nagging or I felt like I shouldn't have to tell them and they should do it on their own. WISHFUL THINKING! I didn't really think about all of this then but, it finally clicked a couple of months later...

Last week, I was talking to another good friend of mine about female interactions with men and she was explaining that since she had issues with her weight [in the past], she would use her womanly wiles to get and keep the attention of men. She would entertain conversations that she didn't really want to have because she thought that she had to do that to keep their interests. She never demanded anything more out of them. While she was explaining this and how now she is trying to move out of that mindset, I remembered Cheezie's words and it finally clicked. It's a matter of knowing and being confident enough in yourself to demand more. If a guy is taking a conversation to a place where you're not ready to visit, tell him and direct the conversation in another way. If he keeps going there, stop the conversation altogether. I know it's been said many times before, but a lot of times we take things just for the sake of having the companionship and to say that we have someone there. But if we aren't happy and/or if we're going to later regret our decisions or resent the other person, shouldn't we just bypass that headache and move on to the next? Or even better, shouldn't we spend the time that we are by ourselves to redirect our focus on understanding why we continue this cycle so that we can prevent it from happening in the future? I know I sometimes think about past relationships and I now feel so foolish that I allowed them to go on as long as they did. I try to remind myself of my part in it so that I don't continue the pattern…but that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes we get caught in the same cycle with a different person.

Bright Side: Having this conversation the first time and explaining this concept to my friend helped me to realize that maybe I'm not as ready as I felt that I was for a relationship...maybe there's some work that still needs to be done on my part. I need to put more focus on loving, respecting, and caring for myself so that I can stop accepting the ordinary as extraordinary...and truly understand the difference. I.WAS.MADE.FOR.MORE!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

"To ask, or not to ask..."

Good Afternoon! I hope the weather is as beautiful in your area as it is here. I had to do some work outside of the office today, and it took everything in me to make myself come back. I wish I was back in undergrad...the days when I could do whatever I wanted after 2pm.

So I told you all that I've started to try online dating and, at the recommendation of one of my guy friends, I even paid for an online dating site...but only for one month ( I need to see what my ROI is going to be like before I keep paying for this service). So anyway, a good friend and I were chatting last night and she was telling me that she joined another site (Yay! I'm not the only one...I have someone to compare notes with). It turns out that she went on her first date with one guy on Monday night and she had a great time. She said that a couple of her friends might know the guy, but she didn't want to go asking any questions about him because she wanted to form her own opinion of him (but she did verify the major facts with her good friend Google). To me, this is all well and good, until things didn't end in her favor and she told me who the guy was. Once she told me I told her to RUN FOR THE HILLS AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!! I then filled her in on how when I first met the guy, he was so cool. He is the cousin of a guy that I dated off/on for about 12 years (yes, since I was a freshman in high school). I thought he (Charles) was trustworthy, nice, and just a genuinely good guy. Until...he kept asking me to hook him up with my friends WHILE he was still messing with the mother of his child. Then, the dung hit the fan when I found out that his cousin (Brandon) was doing the same while we were together. He had never stopped talking to either one of us (me or his BM). It wouldn't have been a bad thing for my friendship with Charles, but Charles had been encouraging me to try to work things out and would talk to both of us about making the relationship work. All the while, he knew that Brandon and his BM were still together. Yea...when Brandon was cut lose, Charles was let go too.

But anyway, I told her that and about him just recently lashing out at a friend of mine and her sister because she wasn't open to his advances (they knew his game already). Then on top of all of that...Charles was lying about his living arrangements as well. Now, I wouldn't have thrown so much shade at Charles if my friend wasn't so upset that after their meeting, Charles disappeared. I was trying to explain that this moment should have been a "Thank You Jesus" moment instead of a sad one. I couldn't help but wonder, if things had turned out the way that she wanted them to and never would have told me who the person was, could those pieces of information stopped her from experiencing future heartbreak or would they have prevented her from truly giving him a chance? I mean...people can change, right?

So what do you think...should you or shouldn't you ask mutual friends about potentials? Do you really want to know (if it's negative) and what are you going to do with the information once you have it?

Bright Side: I threw in a couple of jokes here and there and by the end of the night she was laughing and in good spirits.