"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go."
~ Len Santos
I've been very tempted to relapse. Remember the subject of my "Before I Self-Destruct" post? I don't even know how long it's been since he and I have talked. I mean...I sent a text when his grandfather passed and he sent me a text on my birthday, but that's been all of the communication. Even though I know that the overall relationship wasn't healthy for me, I am really starting to miss the (true) friendship part. There have been a lot of things that have happened between then & now that normally he would have been the first person I contacted (i.e. my blog, starting graduate school, Corinne Bailey Rae concert, etc.) but now I contact my other friends. And although my friends are very supportive and encouraging, I miss being able to text him and getting a response immediately. Regardless of what time of the day it was, if it was something completely random or if it was something that was really, really important to me. I don't know what exactly it is that's going on with me but I'm starting to feel torn. I can be honest enough with myself (and with you) to say that I'm not ready to handle a friendship with him, one where I can forget about the things from the past and move forward with a healthy friendship, but I really wish that I could because I want my friend back. But, I have a gut feeling that things will fall back into the same cycle as last time and I'll end up right where I was when I wrote my first post. I can't and won't do that to myself (again).
I'm hoping that this is all normal and that as more time passes, so will my thoughts and memories of our friendship, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take...
Bright Side: I haven't sent a text, called, facebook'd, emailed, im'd him or anything...I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings and praying on it...i'm sure this is just a moment that will eventually pass.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Let's See What You Do With It...
I am a person who believes in celebrating my birthday day ALL MONTH LONG! I mean, why not? Everyone has not been blessed to see the years that I have, so I want everyone to know how much I appreciate God allowing me to see another year. This year, a friend decided to start Part I of her birthday out & about. I hadn't been out in a while, so I decided to accept her invitation and go out to start off my birthday too. We go out and I'm having a wonderful time then the unusual happens. I feel a tap on my shoulder and a guy is like "Excuse Me...?" And so it starts...
I sized him up in my head: About 6'2-6'3, nice smile, handsome face, and he didn't grab my arm and ask me "Shawty what yo name is?" The odds are already in his favor. We had a brief conversation and we exchanged numbers. By the end of the night, he sent me a text stating that it was good to meet me and to have a safe night. We talked on Sunday and I immediately added intelligent and driven to his list of qualities. I also learned that he had just moved here from the West Coast. Now, since I have turned over a new leaf, I decided to just take it one day at a time. I invited him to my birthday dinner that Thurdsay, but I didn't put too much thought into it and he actually showed up. Now, for someone who is very analytical, I had to literally force myself to stop questioning what things meant because earlier he sent me a message saying that he was running behind at work, but he was still trying to make it. And around 8:30 that night, he showed up. That put a huge plus on his report card, but I still had to remind myself that it is still early in the game. We talked a little more that night and he wished me a happy early birthday after I left to celebrate with some friends. We talked again the next day while he was on his way to out of town. Then, I invited him by for some birthday cake when he got back. He came by, ate cake, we watched a movie, went to the pool, then he went home so I could get ready to go out with the J Squad for birthday outing #5. For me, even thought it was still early, I felt that we were moving on the right track...until I started thinking.
I thought about it and it seemed like the only real time that we hung out (event though it was just twice) was because I initiated it. So during our conversation on the way to meet my friends, I mentioned it and he agreed. I told him that the ball was in his court and he assured me that he could handle it...so I replied that I guess we'll see what you do with it. Well you should be happy to know that aside from the invitation that he accepted to go with me to this game night that some of my line sisters hosted, I have stuck to my word. Although we did have a good time at the game night and he passed my line sister's test (she REALLY got into him good) I'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket. We'll see what he does...
Bright Side: With this new approach, I realized that I always say that I want the male to show his interest but I never really gave them the opportunity to do so. This post from one of my fav bloggers, "RWNTD*: Who's the rabbit?", really put me in the right state of mind to just fall back and if he's really interested, then he'll come to me. If not, my world will continue to go on.
I sized him up in my head: About 6'2-6'3, nice smile, handsome face, and he didn't grab my arm and ask me "Shawty what yo name is?" The odds are already in his favor. We had a brief conversation and we exchanged numbers. By the end of the night, he sent me a text stating that it was good to meet me and to have a safe night. We talked on Sunday and I immediately added intelligent and driven to his list of qualities. I also learned that he had just moved here from the West Coast. Now, since I have turned over a new leaf, I decided to just take it one day at a time. I invited him to my birthday dinner that Thurdsay, but I didn't put too much thought into it and he actually showed up. Now, for someone who is very analytical, I had to literally force myself to stop questioning what things meant because earlier he sent me a message saying that he was running behind at work, but he was still trying to make it. And around 8:30 that night, he showed up. That put a huge plus on his report card, but I still had to remind myself that it is still early in the game. We talked a little more that night and he wished me a happy early birthday after I left to celebrate with some friends. We talked again the next day while he was on his way to out of town. Then, I invited him by for some birthday cake when he got back. He came by, ate cake, we watched a movie, went to the pool, then he went home so I could get ready to go out with the J Squad for birthday outing #5. For me, even thought it was still early, I felt that we were moving on the right track...until I started thinking.
I thought about it and it seemed like the only real time that we hung out (event though it was just twice) was because I initiated it. So during our conversation on the way to meet my friends, I mentioned it and he agreed. I told him that the ball was in his court and he assured me that he could handle it...so I replied that I guess we'll see what you do with it. Well you should be happy to know that aside from the invitation that he accepted to go with me to this game night that some of my line sisters hosted, I have stuck to my word. Although we did have a good time at the game night and he passed my line sister's test (she REALLY got into him good) I'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket. We'll see what he does...
Bright Side: With this new approach, I realized that I always say that I want the male to show his interest but I never really gave them the opportunity to do so. This post from one of my fav bloggers, "RWNTD*: Who's the rabbit?", really put me in the right state of mind to just fall back and if he's really interested, then he'll come to me. If not, my world will continue to go on.
Sometimes you gotta let go...
Greetings! I know it's been a while since I've posted but I just didn't know what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it. I want to make sure that if I post something, it's because I really felt the need to share and not because I just wanted to have a post for that week. So #withthatbeingsaid I feel the need to share...
I have two friends and I somehow always get caught in the middle of their quarrels. As soon as one does something to the other, I get a notification. Now, I have a special relationship with both, but they are a lot closer. Now I know, from experience, that everyone's friendship is not the same. But, I also feel that you and your close friends should not question your friendship every month or every other month. It can get to be exhausting.
Everytime they come to me, seperately, I have to explain that part of being in a friendship/relationship is that you have to understand AND accept the other's faults/weaknesses. "You gotta take the good and the bad, the happy with the sad..." If you aren't willing to do that, then your friendship is destined for disaster. I also have to explain that no friendship will withstand the tests of time if you don't have a good foundation. You have to be able to communicate with that person AND be able to trust them with your thoughts, feelings, hurt, pain, etc. And that's their issue...one doesn't trust the other and the other doesn't know how to effectively communicate and she doesn't trust her. Another issue, is that one bases her interaction with the other on relationships that others have with their close friends. I tried to explain that the dynamics in everyone's friendships are not the same. For example, I don't tell my close friends everything because sometimes, with everything that's going on in my life, I just don't remember or I might not feel that it's important enough to interrupt their day. That doesn't mean that our friendship should be questioned, it just means that I might need to invest in some Gingko Biloba. I also have told both that sometimes if the bad times outweigh the good, you have to fall back and just love them from a distance and in a different way.
Bright Side: I don't know what else to say so now I just make sure that I'm just a listening ear and hope that in time, things will work out for the better.
I have two friends and I somehow always get caught in the middle of their quarrels. As soon as one does something to the other, I get a notification. Now, I have a special relationship with both, but they are a lot closer. Now I know, from experience, that everyone's friendship is not the same. But, I also feel that you and your close friends should not question your friendship every month or every other month. It can get to be exhausting.
Everytime they come to me, seperately, I have to explain that part of being in a friendship/relationship is that you have to understand AND accept the other's faults/weaknesses. "You gotta take the good and the bad, the happy with the sad..." If you aren't willing to do that, then your friendship is destined for disaster. I also have to explain that no friendship will withstand the tests of time if you don't have a good foundation. You have to be able to communicate with that person AND be able to trust them with your thoughts, feelings, hurt, pain, etc. And that's their issue...one doesn't trust the other and the other doesn't know how to effectively communicate and she doesn't trust her. Another issue, is that one bases her interaction with the other on relationships that others have with their close friends. I tried to explain that the dynamics in everyone's friendships are not the same. For example, I don't tell my close friends everything because sometimes, with everything that's going on in my life, I just don't remember or I might not feel that it's important enough to interrupt their day. That doesn't mean that our friendship should be questioned, it just means that I might need to invest in some Gingko Biloba. I also have told both that sometimes if the bad times outweigh the good, you have to fall back and just love them from a distance and in a different way.
Bright Side: I don't know what else to say so now I just make sure that I'm just a listening ear and hope that in time, things will work out for the better.
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