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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'll Save My Breath...

First off, I have to say thanks for the shout out to OneChele of Black 'N Bougie.  I love her blog & her book, Heard It All Before!!!

Secondly, I had this whole blog idea in my head.  I was going to write about how once I let go of a certain person, I've been meeting, going out with, and REALLY enjoying myself with other men (I met a new guy, went out with 2 different newbies and an old one this weekend), buuut there's something else that is weighing a little heavy on my heart.

You see, my family & my friends are the most important things to me (after my relationship with God).  My [true] friends are just like family (imaginary blood and all!) so when someone messes with them, I always find myself putting on my Superwoman costume and wanting to run to the rescue.  That's the case with one friend of mine.  She's been through more than one woman should go through and it seems like she still keeps getting it.  But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that some of the things could be avoided.  For instance, she's been in this relationship with a guy (I will NOT call him a man) who (in my heart) I feel like he's been messing around on her for a long, long time.  But you know what every grandmother says, "What goes on in the dark will eventually come to light."  He was able to get away with it until he slipped up.  Me, I was furious and I told her about it.  We've had numerous arguments about him and his lack of respect for her, but she continues to stay with him. We have gone without speaking for months at a time.  I know people are like if that's your friend then you need to respect her decisions.  But am I really being a good friend by sitting and watching her go through this without trying to talk some sense in her?  If you saw your friend standing in the middle of a busy street, wouldn't you yell for them to move out of the way?  I.JUST.DONT.GET.IT!!! Why would someone stay with someone who openly disrespects you?  And if that isn't bad enough, he disrespected her again.  This time she didn't tell me but I was using my super investigative skills to look at something else when this just popped up at me (don't go looking for something because you never know what you'll find). 

I was beyond pissed! Not only because it happened but because she didn't tell me.  I had to sit back and think about it.  She probably didn't tell me because she knew how I would respond and she probably didn't want to hear my mouth.  But right now, I'm not even upset.  I'm at the point where I'm just sad for her.  I see so many things that she could/can become, soooo many men who would love to be with her, and a better life for her and others.  She has her own connections to him, but [in my mind] no penis is better than sharing penis.  There are soo many things out there that could jeopardize her health and what about the example that she's setting for others?  I also worry about her because she internalizes a lot of things.  She doesn't really express her feelings to anyone about anything (past, present, or future) and I'm scared that she might end up on Snapped.  But like I said in my last post, you can't "will" someone to do something that they don't want to do.  I really just hope that she comes to her senses (like I had to do) and realize that she's worth soooo much more.  But until then, I'll save my breath to cool my soup!

So...I've been looking for a bright side to no avail...I want to be there for my friend but I can't keep sitting and watching her get deeper and deeper into this hole.  What do I do?  How does someone who's not in a relationship tell someone else who is how to handle their relationship?


  1. You really have to tread lightly with this one. People don't like to be told what to do in their relationships. I would stay mum until she asked for your advice, then I would give it to her.

  2. WOW, great blog enjoyed reading this one. It's so hard to see a dear friend being hurt. Even harder that she won't come to you. Maybe a lot of her denial is fear, fear of being alone. I went though the same sort of relationship in the past, it was my girlfriends who got me through it and to the other side. Just let her know you are always there for her, if she needs you. That's all you can do, turn her over to God.

  3. I have a friend going through the exact same thing. Her guy has been living with her and (HER) three children for over 9 months now. He has no job, no car and no desire to get either. She works 3 jobs and fully supports his sorry butt. He doesn't even claim her as is girlfriend to ANYONE! I hate it for her, but I had to learn the hard way......TO MIND MY BUSINESS. I am the single friend trying to give my best friend advice. I had to learn how to listen and not speak. Because when I would tell her how sorry he is and how she could do soooo much better she would shut down or shut me out of her life for a few weeks or even months. It has really taken a toll on OUR relationship. I just continue to keep her uplifted in prayer.

  4. I have the same issue with my best friend. Sometimes its best just to let people live their lives. We each have to make our own choices in life and unfortunately we have tolive with the consequences. It would be great if we could save people from bad choices but life doesn't work that way. the best thing you can do is pray and be there for her.

  5. I know this is old but I'm just now reading your blogs so im still gonna comment. I have had a friend like this also and I have also been this friend. So I will say this people have to get to the point where they have "had enough". Its sad that we as women sometimes don't know when to leave but it happens more often than not. All you can do is PRAY for her that she will realize her own worth. A mentor of mine offered me some great advice one day she told me to wake up every morning and find a scripture out of the bible where it talks about what God says about me as a women and how he cares for me. I would find one everyday and I would repeat it throughout the day to myself. I did this and it changed my life, why you ask? Well because its kind of hard to stay with someone that doesn't treat you like a queen you are when your FATHER in heaven says that you're much better than that and HE thinks the world of you.At the end of the day its a self esteem issue and nobody can heal that but Jesus. :)