"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go."
~ Len Santos
I've been very tempted to relapse. Remember the subject of my "Before I Self-Destruct" post? I don't even know how long it's been since he and I have talked. I mean...I sent a text when his grandfather passed and he sent me a text on my birthday, but that's been all of the communication. Even though I know that the overall relationship wasn't healthy for me, I am really starting to miss the (true) friendship part. There have been a lot of things that have happened between then & now that normally he would have been the first person I contacted (i.e. my blog, starting graduate school, Corinne Bailey Rae concert, etc.) but now I contact my other friends. And although my friends are very supportive and encouraging, I miss being able to text him and getting a response immediately. Regardless of what time of the day it was, if it was something completely random or if it was something that was really, really important to me. I don't know what exactly it is that's going on with me but I'm starting to feel torn. I can be honest enough with myself (and with you) to say that I'm not ready to handle a friendship with him, one where I can forget about the things from the past and move forward with a healthy friendship, but I really wish that I could because I want my friend back. But, I have a gut feeling that things will fall back into the same cycle as last time and I'll end up right where I was when I wrote my first post. I can't and won't do that to myself (again).
I'm hoping that this is all normal and that as more time passes, so will my thoughts and memories of our friendship, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take...
Bright Side: I haven't sent a text, called, facebook'd, emailed, im'd him or anything...I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings and praying on it...i'm sure this is just a moment that will eventually pass.
Can you JUST be friends? You were being hurt by the relationship because you wanted more than a friendship. Can you handle that? Once you get to that point then............ you should start communication up again.
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing...I think that (in my mind) it would start off as being okay with just a friendship but eventually old feeling would resurface and want more...
ReplyDeleteI'm exactly where you are...I too chose to cut it off completely because I needed more from him than he was able or willing to give. I miss our conversations so much!! I miss telling him something funny that happened. I miss knowing that when my phone went off, it would be him. I wonder how his life is going. I miss the comfort that his affection brought me. I miss the POSSIBILITY of being with him for life, all the dreams that I had for US...but we gotta stay away Friend, we gotta hold our ground, we gotta be true to ourselves. We KNOW that if we were to be "friends" right now that it would quickly go back to romantic feelings...stay strong! Lean heavily on your friends. Stay busy. Remember him fondly, but if you must, if you find yourself backsliding-rehash why you left. Because as hard as it is to do, you MUST have had really good reason to do so. You're not alone. It takes so much strength to do what you're doing. Good job, keep it up. Missing him is fine, all your feelings are acceptable. Just stick to your guns.
ReplyDeleteScarlett it's like you read my thoughts! It was REALLY hard, but I made the choice not to try to reach out because I already knew where it would eventually end up. Thanks so much for the encouragement and I wish you all the best with your situation as well. WE CAN DO IT!!!!
ReplyDelete