The Contradiction Personified

(Note: This song is not related to what I'm writing about but as I was writing it popped into my head...I just love it because it's weird "They want their daddy...I'm not their daddy" lol)

So I'm in bed trying to calm my mind so that I can finally get to bed before midnight (I need at least 8 hours of sleep or I'll be in a serious fight with time and my alarm clock in the morning). Let's just say that I #fail at this challenge every night. Tonight, I have the pleasure of hearing Stevie Wonder's "Knocks Me Off My Feet" playing on repeat and an unsuccessful hang-out/date/I don't know what it was haunting my thoughts. Now I know that I haven't written a post in a while but I've had a lot going on and with everything floating around in my head, I figured what better time to jump back into it than tonight?  Time to put the tv on mute, turn on iTunes, and start the 16K song shuffle so I can share my thoughts. Let's get it...

Like I said before, I went to go hang-out with someone (let's call him "Ted") this weekend. [To me] Ted was cool. We had things in common and I wasn't looking for a way to escape after the first 15 minutes of  talking to him, which is always good for me. (It's sad to say, but that's the way most of my hang-outs/dates/I don't know what this is go.  I have an uber short attention span and it's even shorter for the foolish, hence the reason why I haven't posted in so long). Before going out with Ted, I knew that he had potential. He seemed (not saying that he isn't...I just haven't been around him enough to verify my initial assessment) to be good people. I won't go into the details of the afternoon, but I will say that I left the table thinking that it was a good time until we are leaving and Ted 1). Asks me where my car is, says that his is the opposite way, and then proceeds to walk to his car. (Uhh...a sista can't get a walk to the car that's only 5 cars down? lol o...k) and 2). It's just the "Talk to you later". No mention of doing it again or anything. So y'all know me, I start going into immediate self-preservation mode. This obviously has to translate into he isn't feeling me so it's time for the automatic shut-down...right? Not quite. (There's more to the story, but I have other things to discuss)

So...I started thinking (translation: over analyzing) about the time that we spent talking and the conversation. I came to the conclusion that I am a HORRIBLE first-dater because I'm basically a walking contradiction. Not on purpose, but that's just me! The people, who know me, know how to navigate these waters but what does it tell someone who I'm just meeting that I am actually interested in (and not just hanging out with because I have a free space on my calendar)? For example, I'm an extrovert. I love people, I love being around people, even when I feel like I'm at -0%, when I walk into the crowd my levels rise. (For some reason Ted thought that I didn't know the definition of an extrovert v. an introvert and I had to keep my facial expressions under control when he decided to give me the definition. But I digress...) But I'm also completely comfortable being alone and I need (and prefer) having space/alone time pretty often. Didn't get the point? Let's try another example: I'm equally as guarded as I am open. It's confusing...I know! You know those personality tests that you take during seminars, retreats, etc. where you answer a serious of questions and it's supposed to tell you if you're an otter, a dolphin, a monkey, a walrus, a lion, or a Tyrannosaurus Rex (I know I messed that all up...but you get the point!)? My results are always 3 out of the 4 and they are all usually within 1-2 points of each other.  I like to think of myself as being...well...complex.

Then it got me to thinking about past interactions and what this communicates to others. I remember my neighbor once told me that I was confusing because at the early part of our conversation I responded one way then later responded another (but both responses were equally true). I understand it, but the question is how do you get past it? How exactly do you respond when someone asks you to tell them about yourself when you have truths that are two different extremes? It's kinda tricky to communicate this verbally when it's something that usually just "clicks" when they are around me long enough. And how do you get past the "she must be saying what she thinks I want to hear" to the "Eureka! She just possesses both characteristics equally"?

Bright Side: I guess eventually someone will get it...I'm not sure if Ted got it during our first real conversation (and by the way the afternoon/follow up email ended, I'm not sure if he's interested in learning this through interaction).  Ah well!
I told you...I just needed to put my thoughts out there before I end up staying up till the wee hours thinking about something that's already passed. I'm sure I'll get it figured out...just not tonight.